


Monster Movie (4.05)

by ackles_ass_equation



Series: Superghetto [66]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Aliases, Episode: s04e05 Monster Movie, F/M, Impala, Law Enforcement, Monsters, Samulet, Silver Bullet, Vampires, Werewolves, gank, shapershifter, silver - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 10:10:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7840675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackles_ass_equation/pseuds/ackles_ass_equation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam n' Dean rewind a hood plagued wit monstas from funky-ass black-and-white horror pornos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. NOW

Pan down from tha crescent moon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da Impala drives down a road lined wit trees n' past a sign sayin WELCOME TO PENNSYLVANIA. Lightnin flashes, fo' a instant tha sign readz WELCOME TO TRANSYLVANIA.

 **DEAN  
** Da radio round here sucks.

DEAN turns off tha radio.

 **DEAN  
** Come on, man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Jobs don't git much dopea than this, you know, biatch? Dead vic wit a gnawed-on neck, body drained of blood, n' a witnizz whoz ass swears up n' down dat dat shiznit was a vampire.

 **SAM  
** Fuck dat shit, I -- I agree. It aint nuthin but a hell of a cold-ass lil case.

 **DEAN  
** A lil mo' gusto, please.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but just... tha ghetto is comin ta a end yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'. Things is a lil fucked up, you know?

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, well, we can't save tha ghetto, not todizzle anyway. But what tha fuck we can do is chop off some vamps' heads. Come on, dude, itz like tha phat oldschool days, a honest-to-goodnizz monsta hunt. It aint nuthin but bout time tha Winchestas gots back ta tacklin a straightforward, black n' white case.

 


	2. ACT ONE

Fade up on tha impala. Polka noize plays. Pan down over a hood where a funky-ass crew is playin up in a gazebo. Man takes picture of hoe up in barmaid costume. Pan ta sign readin OKTOBERFEST 2008. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM n' DEAN adjust they suits afta exitin tha impala n' strutt forward.

 **DEAN  
** We still gots ta peep tha freshly smoked up Raidaz porno.

 **SAM  
** Yo, saw dat shit.

 **DEAN (incredulous)  
** Without me son?

 **SAM  
** Yo ass was up in Hell.

 **DEAN  
** Thatz no excuse.

DEAN looks off screen.

 **DEAN  
** Big pretzel!

SAM smilez n' shakes his head.

DEAN takes two pretzels from vendor.

 **DEAN  
** Nuff props, biatch.

DEAN handz SAM a pretzel.

 **SAM  
** Nuff props, biatch.

Both SAM n' DEAN take a funky-ass bite of they pretzels.

 **JAMIE  
** Guten tag.

 **DEAN wit his crazy-ass grill full.  
** "Guten tag" yo ass.

 **SAM looks over at a playa up in a Sheriff uniform.  
** Mmm. Looks like thatz our man.

SAM n' DEAN strutt over ta tha man.

 **SAM  
** Yo, sheriff Dietrich.

 **SHERIFF DIETRICH  
** Is you tha thugs from tha fed?

 **SAM  
** Agents Angus n' Young.

SAM n' DEAN show they badges.

 **SAM  
** We called ahead bout your, uh, problem.

 **SHERIFF DIETRICH  
** Right. Um… I be bout ta rap what, why don't we rap dis up away from tha crowd, huh?

Cut ta MORGUE. Door opens n' a funky-ass body is taken out, covered wit a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass sheet.

SHERIFF DIETRICH draws back tha sheet.

 **SHERIFF DIETRICH  
** Marissa Wright, 26. Just up from Lockhard fo' tha 'fest. Terrible. Just shitty. It aint nuthin but tha last thang dis hood needz at peak tourist season.

 **SAM  
** Definitely tha last thang Marissa Wright needed.

DEAN turns tha body’s head n' sees two dark puncture marks on her neck like a vampire bite.

 **DEAN  
** What tha hell?

 **SHERIFF DIETRICH  
** Yeah, you gots me -- I mean dis killerz some kind of grade-A wacko, right, biatch? I mean, some Satan worshipping, Anne Rice-reading, gothic, psycho vampire wannabe.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, sheriff, up in yo' report, you mentioned a witness.

 **SHERIFF DIETRICH  
** Yeah, I wished I didn't. But our witnizz insisted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. Thatz Ed Brewer n' shit. Not exactly what tha fuck you'd call reliable.

EXT. Bar wit waitresses dressed up in Oktoberfest costumes. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM n' DEAN strutt ta tha bar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. JAMIE handz two brew glasses ta LUCY, another waitress.

 **JAMIE  
** I remember you, biatch.

 **DEAN  
** And I remember you, biatch...

DEAN looks at her name badge

 **DEAN  
** Jamie. I never forget a pretty... every last muthafuckin thang.

 **SAM  
** We lookin fo' Ed Brewer.

 **JAMIE  
** What do you want wit Ed?

 **DEAN  
** Well, we is uh... federal agents, n' you can put dat on yo' toast.

SAM n' DEAN show they badges.

 **DEAN  
** Mista Muthafuckin Brewer was witnizz ta a straight-up crime. Us playas just need ta -

 **JAMIE  
** Wait a minute. Yo ass be a gangbangin' fed, biatch? Fuck dat shit, you don't come on like a gangbangin' fed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Seriously?

DEAN leans towardz her muthafuckin ass.

 **DEAN  
** I be a maverick, ma'am fo' realz. A rebel wit a funky-ass badge. One thang I don’t play by: tha rules.

DEAN winks.

 **SAM  
** Okay, maverick. Um, so where can we find Mista Muthafuckin Brewer?

SAM n' DEAN is chillin across from ED BREWER at a table. ED BREWER uncaps his brew stein n' drinks.

 **ED BREWER  
** I holla'd all up in tha cops every last muthafuckin thang I saw. No one believes mah dirty ass. Why should you be any different?

 **DEAN  
** Believe me, Mista Muthafuckin Brewer, our phat asses different.

 **BREWER  
** I was rappin tha God’s real truth fo' realz. And now I’m tha hood joke.

 **SAM  
** Marissa Wright’s cappin' is no joke ta our asses fo' realz. And we wanna hear every last muthafuckin thang, no matta how tha fuck strange it may seem.

 **DEAN  
** Our thugged-out asses gotz a shitload of experience wit strange.

BREWER uncaps tha brew stein n' drank again.

 **BREWER  
** Dat shiznit was just afta midnight. I just left here, n' like I do every last muthafuckin night, I cut all up in tha park on tha way home fo' realz. At first, I thought dat shiznit was a cold-ass lil couple kissing. But dat biiiiatch was... strugglin too much fo' realz. And dis dude, da thug was -- well, da thug was bitin her neck.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass betta describe her assailant?

 **BREWER  
** Oh, da thug was a vampire.

 **DEAN  
** Okay, right fo' realz. And by that, you mean ��"

 **BREWER  
** Yo ass know, a vampire.

 **DEAN  
** Uh huh.

 **BREWER  
** Yeah.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, so, he looked like ��"

 **BREWER  
** Dude looked like a vampire. Yo ass know, wit tha fangs n' tha slicked back afro n' tha fancy cape n' tha lil medallion thangy on tha ribbon.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass mean like a Dracula?

 **BREWER  
** Exactly, like a Dracula. Right down ta tha accent.

 **SAM  
** Da accent?

 **BREWER  
** Yep.

 **SAM  
** What did da perved-out muthafucka say?

 **BREWER  
** Yo ass know, suttin' like…

BREWER raises his thugged-out arm over his wild lil' grill as if dat schmoooove muthafucka has a cold-ass lil cape on.

 **BREWER**  
Yo, stay away, mortal! Da night is mine!  
Yo ass do believe me, don't yo slick ass?

Cut ta JAMIE n' LUCY all up in tha bar.

 **JAMIE  
** They must be here followin up on dat murdered biatch.

 **LUCY  
** Crazy-Ass Ed n' his vampire story.

 **JAMIE  
** Dude might be weird yo, but he not crazy.

 **LUCY  
** Look, you just sayin dat ‘cause tha muthafucka has a cold-ass lil crush on you n' tha pimpin' muthafucka tips you up in 20’s.

LUCY blots her lips on a napkin n' leaves it on tha bar.

 **VOICE OFF STAGE  
** Lucy!

LUCY exits.

DEAN strutts up ta tha bar.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, so, you gots a funky-ass brew back there fo' me son?

 **JAMIE  
** I don't give a fuck, Agent Young, you off duty?

 **DEAN  
** And then some.

SAM comes up n' picks up tha napkin wit LUCY’s lipstick print on dat shit. They lean against tha bar facin tha room.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, so, what tha fuck do you think, biatch? Goth, psycho, vampire wannabe, right?

 **SAM  
** Definitely not our kind of case.

 **DEAN  
** Agreed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! But whoz ass cares?

SAM n' DEAN strutt toward a table.

 **DEAN  
** Roomz paid for, n' itz Oktoberfest. Come on, brutha n' shit. Brew n' bar wenches.

SAM n' DEAN take a seat at a table.

SAM Pretty shizzle dem hoes todizzle don't react well ta tha whole "wench" thang, Dean.

 **DEAN calls up ta JAMIE.  
** Yo, bar wench, wherez dat brew?

 **JAMIE  
** Comin up, phat sir!

 **DEAN  
** Dude, Oktoberfest.

 **JAMIE  
** There you go.

JAMIE turns ta SAM.

 **JAMIE  
** What can I git yo slick ass?

 **DEAN  
** Oh, da ruffneck don't drink. Dat punk a Christian scientist. Don't even take aspirin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Dat punk a real drag on stakeouts.

 **JAMIE laughs.  
** Yo ass is funky.

 **DEAN  
** I be a shitload mo' than dis shit. I'd ludd ta git a cold-ass lil chizzle ta show you tha rest. What time you git off?

 **JAMIE  
** Ha ha. Like I holla'd, "funny."

JAMIE strutts off.

 **DEAN  
** Man, it is time ta right some wrongs.

 **SAM  
** Come again?

 **DEAN  
** Look all up in mah face. I mean, I came back from tha furnace without any of mah oldschool scars, right, biatch? No cap wounds, knife cuts, none of tha off-angled fingers from all tha breaks. I mean, mah hide be as smooth as a funky-ass babyz bottom. Which leadz me ta conclude, sadly... dat mah virginitizzle is intact.

 **SAM  
** What?

 **DEAN  
** I done been re-hymenated.

DEAN takes a thugged-out drink.

 **SAM  
** Re--?

SAM laughs.

 **SAM  
** Please. Dean, maybe angels can pull you outta hell yo, but no one could do that.

 **DEAN  
** Brother, I done been re-hymenated. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time fo' realz. And tha dude aint gonna abide.

 **SAM  
** All right, dude. Well, you go do whatever you gots ta do, n' I'ma go back ta tha room n' git some chill.

SAM gets up n' leaves.

DEAN strutts back ta tha bar.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, so, biatch? How tha fuck bout tonight?

 **JAMIE  
** Oh, sorry bout dat bullshit. I promised Lucy a girls' night out.

DEAN glances over at LUCY.

 **JAMIE  
** Besides, no self-respectin bar wench lets her muthafuckin ass git picked up by a cold-ass lil hustla on tha straight-up original gangsta try.

 **DEAN  
** Well, I aint a cold-ass lil hustla n' shit. I be a gangbangin' federal agent.

 **JAMIE  
** Try again n' again n' again tomorrow, G-Man.

 **DEAN  
** I wish I could. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I don't be thinkin we stayin on tha case.

 **JAMIE  
** What, biatch? Is it too weird fo' yo slick ass?

 **DEAN  
** Not weird enough.


	3. ACT TWO

EXT. Hoopty parked up in secluded spot. Da night of a gangbangin' full moon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. It be foggy. Owl hoots fo' realz. A couple is humpin' up in a cold-ass lil car.

 **ANNA-MARIE  
** Rick. Did yo dirty ass hear that?

 **RICK  
** What?

 **ANNA-MARIE  
** It sounded like a wolf.

 **RICK  
** Come on, Marie, don't chizzle tha subject. I holla'd at you what tha fuck could happen ta a playa if da ruffneck don't --

 **ANNA-MARIE  
** Those stories aren't true.

 **RICK  
** They are. Baby, if a playa don't git tha shiznit outta his system regularly, it can back up n' cause all kindz of... medicinal type problems.

There be a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shadow of hands, then a monster’s shadow on tha hoopty fo' realz. ANNA-MARIE n' RICH is kissing.

 **ANNA-MARIE  
** Shh, do you hear that?

 **RICK  
** Anna-Marie, there aint no damn wolves up in Pennsylvania.

A WEREWOLF breaks tha window n' pulls RICK out.

ANNA-MARIE screams.

EXT. Da next dizzle SAM n' DEAN sit across from ANNA-MARIE at a outside table.

ANNA-MARIE is slurpin loudly from a big-ass cup. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM n' DEAN exchange a look.

 **ANNA-MARIE  
** And then it just -- it just tore Rick tha fuck into lil pieces.

 **DEAN  
** Ma'am, we KNOW how tha fuck hard dis is yo, but can you describe tha creature?

 **ANNA-MARIE  
** Oh. Dat shiznit was a werewolf.

 **SAM  
** A werewolf?

 **ANNA-MARIE  
** Mhm.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass is sure?

 **ANNA-MARIE  
** Oh, yeah. With tha furry face, n' tha black nose, n' tha claws and… n' tha the torn up baggy-ass pants n' shirt. Like from tha oldschool pornos.

 **SAM  
** Um...

 **DEAN  
** Well, aiiight, so... Nuff props fo' yo' time.

SAM n' DEAN git up n' muthafuckin bounce.

EXT. Da morgue.

 **DEAN  
** First a Dracula n' now a gangbangin' full on porno time Wolf Man, biatch? What tha hell is goin on up in dis town?

SAM opens one of tha storage drawers n' pulls up a funky-ass body yo. Dude unzips tha body bag. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM n' DEAN is disgusted all up in tha smell.

 **DEAN  
** Damn!

 **SAM  
** All right. Whatever did dis wasn't a psycho wannabe.

SAM pulls up some shredded flesh from tha corpse wit a pencil.

 **SAM  
** Look at dem bite marks. Right down ta tha bone... n' deeper.

 **DEAN  
** Strong enough ta tear a healthy playa apart limb from limb. Could be a werewolf.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, except, look. Da heartz still there up in one piece. They never leave tha ass behind.

 **DEAN  
** Thus I reiterate -- what tha fuck tha hell is goin on?

Da SHERIFF entas tha morgue.

 **SHERIFF  
** Well, I was hopin you thugs could tell mah dirty ass. I just gots a rush thang back from tha lab on dem fibres we found on tha body.

Da SHERIFF pulls up a plastic bag from a envelope.

 **SHERIFF  
** Canine. Wolf hairs.

 **DEAN  
** I be gettin a headache.

EXT. Da bar.

SAM n' DEAN is chillin at a table smokin.

 **DEAN  
** I don't give a fuck, man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Looks like we've stumbled onto a midnight showin of Dracula meets Wolf Man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Is dat it?

 **SAM  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. I mean, Wolf Man seems real enough cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. Makes Dracula seem a lil less impossible, I guess.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah yo, but werewolves don't grow wolf hair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Thatz just a myth.

 **SAM  
** Yeah.

 **DEAN  
** So, what, biatch? We've gots a vampire n' a werewolf monsta mashin dis town?

JAMIE brangs over another round of brew fo' SAM n' DEAN.

 **JAMIE  
** Looks like you muthafuckas is stayin a while. I heard bout Rick Deacon.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, dis case just gots weird enough fo' our department.

 **JAMIE  
** Well, brews is on mah dirty ass fo' realz. And, just so you know, I git off at midnight tonight.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, it aint another, uh, girls' night out?

 **JAMIE  
** Doesn't gotta be.

 **DEAN  
** Okay, then. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be bout ta peep you tonight.

 **JAMIE  
** Okay, then.

JAMIE leaves.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, you be thinkin dis Dracula could turn tha fuck into a funky-ass bat, biatch? That would be cool.


	4. ACT THREE

EXT. Museum at night time. Pan over sign dat reads, “CANONSBURG MUSEUM OF AMERICAN HISTORY.” Inside, a guard is poppin' off on a cold-ass lil beeper.

 **GUARD  
** Yo, sorry ta bother you, biatch. Yes, I do know what tha fuck time it is… I was just wonderin if you was expectin a thugged-out delivery of some kind, biatch? I don’t know. Well, it looks old. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Thatz right. Yeah, a Egyptian kind of deal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Fuck dat shit, dat shiznit was just chillin there on tha loadin dock. Fuck dat shit, Doctor, there be a no shippin invoice. Therez no nothing.

Da lid on tha sarcophagus begins ta move.

 **GUARD  
** I don't give a fuck when dat shiznit was delivered, dat shiznit was here when I clocked up in tonight.. n' you KNOWS you’d know what tha fuck ta do. Think Helen has any record of it up in her files?

Da GUARD turns n' peep a mummy risin from tha sarcophagus, da perved-out muthafucka stumblez backward as tha mummy leaves tha sarcophagus n' begins movin toward his muthafuckin ass.

 **GUARD  
** Holy mutha of crap!

Da GUARD blasts tha mummy. Well shiiiit, it grabs his cold-ass throat n' lifts his ass up against tha wall.  
Da GUARD chokes as tha mummy stranglez his muthafuckin ass.

CUT ta tha museum lata on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da five-o is movin around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da SHERIFF is peeped poppin' off ta his crazy-ass men. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM n' DEAN rewind tha sarcophagus.

 **SAM  
** This sarcophagus aint ancient.

SAM holdz up a tag dat reads, “THE FX SHOP PROPHOUSE PHILDADELPHIA, PA.”

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but from a prop doggy den up in Philly.

 **DEAN  
** Well... it goes well wit tha bucket of dry ice da thug was keepin up in dat shit.

DEAN lifts up a lil' small-ass bucket of dry ice from inside tha sarcophagus.

 **SAM  
** Is he makin his own special effects?

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, a mummy wit a phat sense of showmanship.

 **SAM  
** This is fuckin wack.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, damn dat shit. Jamie. I be late. Yo ass is phat here wit tha mummy n' the... crazy?

 **SAM  
** Yeah.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah.

DEAN leaves up in a hurry.

JAMIE is standin outside tha bar, lookin at her watch.

 **JAMIE  
** Yo crazy-ass loss, G-Man.

JAMIE starts struttin away. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch hears suttin' behind her n' turns round ta peep DRACULA.

 **DRACULA  
** Dope evening.

JAMIE starts ta run n' DRACULA bigs up her muthafuckin ass.

 **DRACULA  
** I have peeped you fo' nuff nights from afar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. My fuckin boner knows no bounds, Mina!

JAMIE fumblez up in her purse.

 **DRACULA  
** Yo ass is tha reincarnation of mah beloved, n' I must have you, biatch.

JAMIE sprays DRACULA up in tha grill wit pepper spray n' runs.

 **DRACULA  
** Mary, lil hustla of a...

DRACULA runs afta JAMIE.

 **DEAN  
** Jamie!

JAMIE crashes tha fuck into DEAN.

DEAN turns n' sees DRACULA.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, lil hustla of a funky-ass biiiatch.

 **DRACULA  
** Yo ass should not use such language up in tha presence of mah bride.

DEAN pauses.

 **DEAN  
** Okay.

DEAN punches DRACULA. They fight.

 **DEAN  
** Jamie, run!

 **DRACULA  
** Yo ass have no chizzle up in tha matter, Mista Muthafuckin yo. Harker n' shit. Mina is mine.

DRACULA tries ta bite DEAN. DEAN rips off DRACULA’s ear yo. Dude flees. DEAN pursues. DRACULA leaps over a gate n' escapes on a moped. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!


	5. ACT FOUR

EXT. Back all up in tha bar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. JAMIE n' DEAN is chillin at a table. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM strutts over ta dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

 **SAM  
** Hey. Yo ass muthafuckas all right?

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, I be thinkin so fo' realz. And I be thinkin I know what tha fuck be happenin.

DEAN puts a gangbangin' folded towel on tha table.

 **SAM  
** Yeah?

 **DEAN  
** Part of it, at least.

SAM opens tha towel. DRACULA’s ear is inside.

 **SAM  
** Uh, tha ear part?

 **DEAN  
** Ripped it off of Draculaz head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Touch dat shit.

SAM touches tha ear.

 **SAM  
** Ugh.

 **DEAN  
** Feel familiar ta yo slick ass?

 **SAM  
** Oh, man.

 **DEAN  
** Skin of a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shapeshifter n' shit. Just like St. Louis n' just like Milwaukee. Of course dis onez all holdin bucketz of crazy. Oh, and, uh...

DEAN takes up a medallion from his thugged-out lil' pocket n' gives it ta SAM.

 **DEAN  
** This, I uh, pulled it off durin tha fight. Look all up in tha label on tha ribbon.

SAM looks all up in tha label. Well shiiiit, it reads, “THE FX SHOP PROPHOUSE PHILADELPHIA, PA.”

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but a cold-ass lil costume rental.

 **DEAN  
** All three monstas - tha Dracula, Wolf Man, n' tha mummy -- all tha same critter, which means we need ta catch dis freak before he Creature From tha Black Lagoons some muthafucka.

 **JAMIE  
** So, you muthafuckas is like Mulder n' Scully or something, n' Da X-Filez is real?

 **DEAN  
** Fuck dat shit, Da X-Filez be a TV show. This is real.

 **JAMIE  
** Oh.

 **SAM  
** Okay, so, tha stagecraft, tha costuming… itz like tha pimpin' muthafucka tryin ta re-enact his wild lil' straight-up monsta porno moments, right down ta tha bloody murders.

 **JAMIE  
** Wait a second. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck tha hell is Mina?

 **SAM  
** Mina?

 **DEAN  
** Yeah. Thatz what tha fuck his schmoooove ass called Jamie fo' realz. And his schmoooove ass called mah crazy ass Mista Muthafuckin yo. Harker.

 **SAM  
** Jonathan Harker, biatch? They're charactas from tha pornos n' tha novels -- Mina, Draculaz intended bride, Harker tha fiancé dat standz up in tha way. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Seems like he fixatin on you, like da perved-out muthafucka sees you as his bride.

 **JAMIE  
** Wow. Lucky mah dirty ass.

 **SAM  
** But ta fixate on you, mah guess is dat tha shifta has ta have peeped you before or been round you, biatch.

 **DEAN  
** Jamie, has anybody strange come ta town, some muthafucka dat has taken a specific notice of yo slick ass?

 **JAMIE  
** I don't give a fuck, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. It aint nuthin but Oktoberfest. I be a funky-ass bartender n' shit. Therez fuckin shitloadz of people. I... wait a second. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! There is Ed.

 **SAM  
** "Ed Brewer" Ed?

 **JAMIE  
** Yeah yo. Dude moved here on some month ago. Lucy swears dat schmoooove muthafucka has a cold-ass lil crush on mah dirty ass yo. Dude comes up in almost every last muthafuckin night. But, you know, I don't be thinkin tha pimpin' muthafucka tha type of muthafucka ��"

 **DEAN  
** Where do Ed live?

 **JAMIE  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. But da thug works all up in tha oldschool porno theater n' shit. I be thinkin tha pimpin' muthafucka tha projectionist there.

 **SAM  
** Take care of Mina?

 **DEAN  
** Yep.

SAM leaves.

JAMIE is pacin up in front of tha booth Dean is chillin in.

 **JAMIE  
** So, monstas is real.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, a shitload of them, yeah.

 **JAMIE  
** And tha shapeshifter, his schmoooove ass can turn tha fuck into different people.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah. Yeah, except dis onez turnin tha fuck into tha pimped out monstaz of screenland, which be a freshly smoked up one fo' mah dirty ass.

 **JAMIE  
** Yo ass aint straight-up STD, is yo slick ass?

 **DEAN  
** Not all muthafuckin day.

 **JAMIE  
** So, dis is what tha fuck you do, biatch? Yo ass n' yo' partner just tramp across tha ghetto on yo' own dime until you find some wack nightmare ta fight?

 **DEAN  
** Some playas paint.

 **JAMIE  
** Wow.

 **DEAN  
** What?

 **JAMIE  
** That must suck. I mean, you givin up yo' game fo' dis shitty... I don't give a fuck, responsibility.

 **DEAN  
** Last few years, I started thankin dat way, and, uh, it started sort of weighin on mah dirty ass. Of course, dat was before.. fo' realz. A lil while ago, I had dis ��" let’s call it a near-death experience. Straight-up near.

JAMIE sits down next ta DEAN.

 **DEAN  
** And, uh, when I came to... thangs was different. My fuckin gamez been different. I realize dat I help people. Not just help them, though cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. I save dem wild-ass muthafuckas. I guess itz -- itz phat. It aint nuthin but kind of like a gift... like a mission. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Kind of like a... a mission from Dogg.

 **JAMIE  
** So, do dat make you, biatch... some kind of monk or something, biatch? Yo ass know, celibate?

 **DEAN  
** Man, I hope not.

DEAN n' JAMIE kiss.

LUCY turns tha lights on n' they break apart.

 **LUCY  
** Holy crap. Oh, mah god. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Jamie. Guys, I be -- I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit.. n' you KNOWS you muthafuckas was goin out.

 **JAMIE  
** Lucy, itz -- itz all gravy. Uh, listen ��"

 **LUCY  
** Yo ass know what, biatch? I just -- I came ta borrow a funky-ass bottle. I kind of gots suttin' goin back at my.. fo' realz. Anyway, uh, you muthafuckas look straight-up busy, so I be just gonna git outta yo' hair.

 **JAMIE  
** Fuck dat shit, seriously, Lucy, itz been a wild-ass night. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stay fo' a thugged-out drink.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stay fo' a thugged-out drink.

EXT. Da porno theatre. PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is showing. Organ noize swells as SAM strutts in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM checks tha clip up in his wild lil' freakadelic glock then strutts towardz a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shadow of a playa playin a organ. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. ED BREWER switches tha noize ta suttin' horny.

 **BREWER turns round up in surprise.  
** Whoa!

SAM pushes his ass against tha organ n' holdz his ass at glock point.

 **BREWER  
** You, STD playa -- What did I ��"

 **SAM  
** Shut tha fuck up, aiiight, you know what tha fuck you done did.

 **BREWER  
** What?

 **SAM  
** I know what tha fuck yo ass is.

 **BREWER  
** I aint anything. I just like ta play tha Casio.

 **SAM  
** Had time ta grow tha ear back, huh?

 **BREWER  
** What?!

SAM pulls on BREWER’S ear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. BREWER screams up in pain.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but supposed ta come off.

 **BREWER  
** Fuck dat shit, itz not!

EXT. Back all up in tha bar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. DEAN, JAMIE n' LUCY is all chillin round tha table.

 **LUCY  
** Oh, dat soundz wack naaahhmean, biatch? Jamie, honey, is you aiiight?

 **JAMIE  
** Oh, I be fine yo. Dude didn't even bust a nut on mah dirty ass. Dean, he just blew right up in n' fought his ass off.

 **DEAN  
** Well, I didn't straight-up fly yo, but I be shizzle it seemed dat way all up in tha time.

LUCY blots her lipstick on a napkin.

 **JAMIE  
** Dat shiznit was straight-up, straight-up something.

 **DEAN  
** Jamie?

 **LUCY  
** So, Dean, is you like a funky-ass black belt or what?

DEAN looks at his wild lil' freakadelic glass, it swims before his wild lil' fuckin eyes.

 **LUCY  
** Well, I guess they train you ta fight all up in tha academy or whatever.

DEAN leans across n' punches LUCY yo. Dude pushes JAMIE outta tha way.

 **JAMIE  
** Dean, what tha fuck is you bustin?

JAMIE passes out, fallin back down tha fuck into tha booth.

 **DEAN  
** It aint nuthin but you, aint it?

LUCY pushes her jaw back tha fuck into place. DEAN kicks her again.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, damn dat shiznit son! What did you put up in our drinks?!

DEAN smashes a funky-ass forty on tha edge of table.

 **DEAN  
** Thatz all right. I be bout ta skin you mah dirty ass.

DEAN passes out.

 **LUCY  
** And… scene.


	6. ACT FIVE

EXT fo' realz. A dungeon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. DEAN is unconscious n' strapped ta a upright table bustin lederhosen.

DEAN wakes up.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, come on.

DEAN looks at a portrait of a biatch’s grill on tha wall which resemblez LUCY.

 **DRACULA  
** Yo, her ass is dope, no, biatch? Bride number three from tha straight-up original gangsta film. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch never gots tha props dat her dope ass deserved. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Which is why I chose her shape, her form, ta move among tha mortals unnoticed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! To dig tha cricket jointz of tha living. That is when I discovered mah bride had been reborn up in dis century.

 **DEAN  
** I can't git over what tha fuck a pumpkin-pie-eyed, wild-ass lil hustla of a funky-ass biiiatch you straight-up are. Yo ass aint Dracula! Yo ass git that, right, biatch? Or even if you be thinkin yo ass is Dracula, what tha fuck tha hellz up wit tha mummy?!

DRACULA punches DEAN up in tha face.

 **DRACULA  
** I be all monsters!

 **DEAN  
** Life ain't a porno, you sorry sack of-

DRACULA punches DEAN again.

 **DEAN  
** Aah.

 **DRACULA  
** Life is small. Meagre. Messy. Da pornos is grand, simple, elegant. I have chosen elegance.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass be thinkin "elegance" is straight-up tha word fo' what tha fuck you did ta Marissa, or Rick Deacon, or any of tha others?!

 **DRACULA  
** But of course. Well shiiiit, it aint nuthin but a monsta porno, afta all.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass do realize what tha fuck happens all up in tha end of every last muthafuckin monsta porno?

 **DRACULA  
** Ah yo, but dis porno is mine fo' realz. And up in it, tha monsta wins. Da monsta gets tha hoe fo' realz. And tha hero, he’s... electrocuted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time fo' realz. And tonight, Jonathan Harker, yo big-ass booty is ghon be mah hero.

DRACULA puts his hand on a big-ass lever on tha wall. DEAN chucklez nervously.

 **DEAN  
** W-w-wait, wait, wait.

DEAN strugglez ta escape.

Da doorbell rings.

 **DRACULA  
** Please, excuse mah dirty ass.

DRACULA leaves. Cut ta DRACULA strutts all up in a modern lookin hallway. Da doorbell rings again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. DRACULA opens tha door n' a pizzy pimp is standin outside.

 **DRACULA  
** Dope evening.

 **DELIVERY BOY  
** Uh… pizzy delivery.

 **DRACULA  
** Ah, you've brought a repast. Excellent. Continue ta be of such service, n' yo' game is ghon be spared.

 **DELIVERY BOY  
** Uh huh.

Da DELIVERY BOY pulls up pizzy from his bag n' holdz it out.

 **DELIVERY BOY  
** That'll be $15.50.

 **DRACULA  
** Tell mah dirty ass...

 **DELIVERY BOY  
** Yeah?

 **DRACULA  
**...is there garlic on dis pizzy?

 **DELIVERY BOY  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. Did yo dirty ass order garlic?

 **DRACULA  
** No!

 **DELIVERY BOY  
** Then no. Look, mister, I gots four other deliveries ta make. Yo ass wanna just pay me tha scrilla so I can go?

 **DRACULA  
** Of course, fo'sho yo, but I gots a cold-ass lil coupon.

EXT. Back all up in tha bar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM entas n' strutts around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude takes up his cell beeper n' calls DEAN.

 **SAM  
** Dean, hey listen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Uh, Ed aint our muthafucka. Um, I be guessin you up in da crib wit Jamie, so just break me off a cold-ass lil call, aiiight?

SAM hangs up yo. Dude looks down n' sees tha fucked up forty on tha floor, n' tha napkin wit LUCY’S lipstick on dat shit.

 **SAM  
** Lucy.

EXT fo' realz. A bedroom up in DRACULA’s house. JAMIE is lyin on tha bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch wakes up.

 **DRACULA  
** Yo ass wake.

DRACULA gestures ta a white satin dress hangin by tha bed.

 **DRACULA  
** Da gown. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Well shiiiit, it suits yo' beauty. Please, put it on.

 **JAMIE  
** Where be I, biatch? What have you done wit Dean?

 **DRACULA  
** Harker is restin elsewhere, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Please, put on tha gown n' you may dine. We is havin pizzy.

 **JAMIE  
** What?! What tha fuck iz poppin' off wit yo slick ass, biatch? Yo ass made up Lucy, right, biatch? Pretended ta be mah playa.

 **DRACULA  
** I needed ta know if you was tha one.

 **JAMIE  
** Yo ass could try poppin' off ta playas biaaatch! But instead you become this?

 **DRACULA  
** Da gown.

 **JAMIE  
** I don’t wanna play yo' wack game, aiiight?! I just -- I just wanna bounce back ta tha doggy den.

 **DRACULA yells.  
** Put on tha gown!

EXT. Da front door of DRACULA’s house. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM picks tha lock n' he enters, holdin his wild lil' freakadelic glock all up in tha ready.

EXT. Da bedroom. JAMIE is now bustin tha gown.

 **DRACULA  
** I-I scared you, biatch. You’re tha only one I don’t wanna scare. I used ta ludd tha pornos.

 **JAMIE  
** They aren't real. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Yo ass can’t make dem real.

 **DRACULA  
** "Real" is bein born dis way. Different. "Real" is havin yo' daddy call you "monster" -- itz tha last time you hear tha word. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! And tha pimpin' muthafucka tries ta beat you ta dirtnap wit a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shovel. Everywhere I ran, everywhere I tried ta hide, playas found me, dragged mah crazy ass out, beat down mah dirty ass. Called mah crazy ass "freak," called mah crazy ass "monster." Then I found dem wild-ass muthafuckas. Da pimped out monsters. In they pornos, they was strong. They was feared. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! They was dope naaahhmean, biatch? And now I be like dem wild-ass muthafuckas. Commanding. Terrifying.

 **JAMIE  
** Lonely.

 **DRACULA  
** Was lonely. Now I -- I have you, biatch.

 **JAMIE  
** Ever be thinkin dat maybe you lonely cuz you bust a cap up in people?

 **DRACULA  
** Or I bust a cap up in playas cuz I’m lonely.

There is tha sound of suttin' bein knocked over up in tha next room.

 **DRACULA  
** Did yo dirty ass hear that?

 **JAMIE  
** What, biatch? Dean, biatch? Dean?!

DRACULA hits her, knockin her out.

EXT. Da dungeon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. DEAN is still trapped. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! SAM enters.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, give props ta Dogg. Just up in tha nick of time. That muthafucka was bout ta Frankenstein mah dirty ass.

SAM untizzles DEAN.

 **SAM  
** Yo there, Hansel.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, shut tha fuck up!

DEAN gestures fo' SAM ta kick down tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM puts his wild lil' foot all up in tha door, punchin a hole up in dat shit. Da entire door falls flat off its hinges.

 **SAM  
** Letz go.

EXT. Da bedroom. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM opens tha door n' crosses ta JAMIE lyin on tha bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! DRACULA intercepts his ass from behind n' throws his ass all up in tha wall.

 **DRACULA  
** Yo ass aint NEVER gonna be Van Helsing!

DEAN attacks his muthafuckin ass. They fight.

 **DRACULA  
** And you, Harker, now you take a thugged-out dirt nap.

 **DEAN  
** How tha fuck 'bout now you shut tha hell up?

DEAN is thrown ta tha ground, DRACULA raises his thugged-out arms, bout ta go up in fo' tha bust a cap up in yo. Dude is blasted up in tha chest.

 **DRACULA  
** Yo, silver?

DRACULA turns ta peep JAMIE holdin tha gun.

 **DRACULA  
** Dat shiznit was beauty dat capped tha beast. Fuck dat shit, Mina, do not weep.

DRACULA falls tha fuck into a cold-ass lil chair.

 **DRACULA  
** Perhaps dis is how tha fuck tha porno should end.

DRACULA takes a thugged-out dirt nap up in tha chair.

EXT. Da hood square. DEAN n' JAMIE is kissing.

 **JAMIE  
** Well, fuck you, G-Man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass done been a pimped out steez ta yo' ghetto.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, fo'sho, I be hella, straight-up patriotic.

SAM is standin behind DEAN. DEAN looks over his shoulder at his muthafuckin ass. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM smilez tensely. DEAN turns back ta JAMIE.

 **DEAN  
** Bye.

 **JAMIE  
** Bye.

DEAN n' SAM begin ta strutt away.

 **JAMIE  
** Yo ass muthafuckas saved mah game, you know, biatch? So, props.

JAMIE leaves.

 **SAM  
** I wanna bust a nut on her muthafuckin ass.

 **DEAN  
** Feels phat ta be back on tha thang, don't it?

 **SAM  
** Yeah, it do.

 **DEAN  
** Da pimp gets tha girl, monsta gets tha gank fo' realz. All up in all, aiiight endin -- wit a aiiight ending, no less.

 **SAM  
** Real classy, Dean.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, all I be sayin is tha shifta playa had a point, you know, biatch? It would be sick if game was porno simple fo' realz. Although, if I was turnin game tha fuck into a porno, I wouldn't do dis Abbott n' Costello hook up tha monsta crap.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, no. I know what tha fuck you’d pick.

 **DEAN  
** Fuck dat shit, you don't.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, I do.

 **DEAN  
** No. Yo ass don't. Yo ass don't!

 **SAM  
** Porkyz Pt II.

 **DEAN  
** What?

 **SAM  
** Yo ass heard mah dirty ass.

 **DEAN  
** Lucky guess.


End file.
